Well, people, I have been unbearably cheerful for nearly three months now, so I guess I ought to mention, there are times…

Invariably, it is during my CFS relapses that the stories come. The good news is that although the relapses can last quite a while, the down times usually don’t. It depends on how succesful I am at picking up on it.

One afternoon, I was exhausted and achy all over and pissed off about everything. I had been feeling tired for a day already, but had continued to proceed to drive find a campsite and look for a place that had free wi fi. Then I realized that, I needed to lay up for a as long as it would take to start feeling stronger. In fact, this one has taken over a week before I before my health is starting to improve. And now, I am in the delicate stage wehre It can be touched off again easily. I had been pushing it, being social, doing stuff, but somehow I am always surprised when I get worn out.

Now, how is that? I guess ‘denial is not a river in Egypt’. (old AA saying)

The stories come when I am tired. They are thoughts, don’t follow them. They seem real, but as thoughts, they disapate when another thought comes in. Following a thought is to build it into a story, to reinforce it, to make it your reality. I know I have said this before, but following these kinds of thoughts makes ones reality a suffering one, and suffering is not what I am after.

‘No one cares about me. I could die on the side of the road and no one would even notice, I spend all this time communicating with others and most of them aren’t even interested enough to respond. What am I doing here? What is the point. Why the hell don’t I have a mate? Look at all these ugly people, they have mates, what is wrong with me?’ I want to see this site, but it is way too much energy to figure out how to get there, and what’s the point anyway. These stories are endless and varied and seem incredibly real when they come. And they are persistent. There are themes. It is easy to believe them. To act on them. To make decisions based on them. There is a whole other me that operates as though this is my reality. Even when it is clear that they are thoughts, the responses to them as though they are real, continue and I have to wonder, over and over, if they are true. Then, I laugh, and remember, ‘Oh yes, you need to stop. You need to rest. You need to get better, You are in a relapse. ‘That’s when they come’.

It is happening more quickly these days. I can laugh and say, ‘Oh those thoughts again, don’t follow the thoughts. Don’t reinforce the story, don’t take it as your reality.’

When I get into this place, it is actually an altered state, just as being in love is an altered state, or being very delicate if you have had a shock or accident, or a disease. These are so easily taken for reality. One might think, ‘hmm I am touchy these days, or sad, or labile, but do we realize, this is an altered state, a non real time when our perceptions are changed by rose, or gray colored glasses of one pitch or another.

How do I know all this? The minute I start feeling stronger, healthier, the woods instantly looks more beautiful, the sun is brighter, and the places to go are suddenly very interesting, and I do not feel alone any more. I feel as though I have the whole world supporting me.

As an aside, I would like to suggest that I may not be the only person this happens to. My down times may be touched off by exhaustion, but there are many ways to become exhausted that do not involve Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. In other words, altered states are common to others.

Enjoy the languor, drop any goals, read a book, play with the computer if that’s not too hard, eat chocolate, sleep in the afternoon, and don’t follow the thoughts! It’s OK to be tired, you have been telling everyone your have CFS, but you don’t want to admit you are wiped out. No where to go, no deadlines to meet. Hey— I’m retired! And those altered states, I can do without.